t have to struggle as hard as usual to ignore the music。 Even though my
mind； for once； was not
carefully numb and empty； I had too much to think about to hear the lyrics。
I waited for the numbness to return； or the pain。 Because the pain must be
ing。 I'd broken my
personal rules。 Instead of shying away from the memories； I'd walked forward
and greeted them。 I'd
heard his voice； so clearly； in my head。 That was going to cost me； I was sure
of it。 Especially if I couldn't
reclaim the haze to protect myself。 I felt too alert； and that frightened me。
But relief was still the strongest emotion in my body—relief that came from
the very core of my being。
As much as I struggled not to think of him； I did not struggle to forget。 I
worried—late in the night； when
the exhaustion of sleep deprivation broke down my defenses—that it was all
slipping away。 That my
mind was a sieve； and I would someday not be able to remember the precise
color of his eyes； the feel of
his cool skin； or the texture of his voice。 I could not think of them； but I
must remember them。
Because there was just one thing that I had to believe to be able to live—I
had to know that he existed。
That was all。 Everything else I could endure。 So long as he existed。
That's why I was more trapped in Forks than I ever had been before； why I'd
fought with Charlie when
he suggested a change。 Honestly； it shouldn't matter； no one was ever ing
back here。
But if I were to go to Jacksonville； or anywhere else bright and unfamiliar；
how could I be sure he was
real？ In a place where I could never imagine him； the conviction mig